A choice between good and better
I’ve done a lot of praying lately.
As I look back and reflect on my life, I wonder if the good I’ve done will outweigh the moments that I adversely drifted away from my character.
“God, am I a good person?” I often ask. Some days I feel like a woman of virtue and other days I feel ashamed.
The word “good” has several definitions. It can be used as a adjective, adverb, or noun. In particular, the noun reads, “that which is morally right; righteousness.”
Righteousness. Such a long and powerful word. One that I would find hard to describe myself.
Being good is not easy. Sometimes it feels unreachable. But it’s possible — to have good moments. I have those instances where I feel like I have a clean slate to live another version of my life. A good version of my life.
Sometimes when I strive to be good, I feel like I am striving to fail. Free will can get the best of me and I am not afraid to admit it one bit. I’ve accepted my shortcomings and try my best not to repeat them.
There are times that I win the battle of resisting and ignoring my demons and other times I am broken — but not defeated. I am better than I was yesterday, last week, last month, and last year. Each day brings an improvement. Would I say I am good? No. Would I say I am better? You better believe it.
See, to be “better” is “to improve on or surpass (an existing or previous level or achievement).”I know I can never be good. I have good tendencies. I have good values. I have a good heart (most of the time). But I don’t always have a “good” conscious to make decisions that will allow me to proudly wear an invisible “good” sticker across my forehead.
I believe that God knows my heart. He can read my intentions. He knows that I sometimes I do the very bare minimum and sometimes I give every last ounce of me to achieve a level of goodness that is pleasing to him and to those who matter most to me.I say a different prayer now. I do not ask God if I am good, but if I am better. I always want to be more satisfied with the woman I see in the mirror today than when I saw her yesterday morning.
I know there is good inside of me. Realistically, I know this “good” will not always transpire though my darkest moments, although I will give my all to push through them. When you recognize who you are — who you really are — you come to terms with a lot of things. I am an imperfect human being covered in sin but made of faith.
Perfection is not my goal but bettering myself is not an option. I am living to become the best version of myself and if I know my God like I think I do, that “good” is good enough.
This post originally appeared on medium.com.
About the Writer
Whitney L. Barkley is a blogger and marketer in Ohio. Say hi: Whitney L. Barkley
